Strumming Some Heartsrings

Strumming Some Heartstrings

at 9:49 AM

Yesterday I went to that place. Remember the first time we went there, we had a huge quarrel you kicked the seats at the bustop. you shouted at me. And I'm crying down there. You told me that you do not know what I'm thinking. Cause I'm not communicating with you.
After that you hug me and say that you're sorry for shouting at me. I felt that, all the shouting is worth it. All those crying is nothing compared to your hug. You kissed me and tell me it's going to be alright.
That's the first time i saw the another side of you.

The second time we went there, you asked me to give you some time, to find the feelings.
I gave you time, during these periods i dare not mention about this. Cause I'm afraid you would give me the answer i do not wish to hear. Remember you held my hands and told me you will try really really hard. I believed you. You told me you're trying very hard. But why is it that i can't feel anything at all? I don't see you putting your efforts in me, at all.
That day when you told me your answer, I couldn't stop crying. Why wasn't it that answer i wanted? I already tried so so so hard. I give the best i could. But why can't you see what I'm doing?

At early 2010. I was only working part time, earning so little. That i could barely pay all my bills. My dad still got to provide me allowance everyday. I wanted to save money for your birthday. I ate the same food everyday. Rice and 1 vege. It only cost $2. So that i can save money to buy you presents and we could go eat good food during your birthday. I saw your bag was tearing, and i heard you saying that your mouse got some problems. I want to give you the best. I bought a crumpler backbag and a razer mouse and a belt for you. That's all my pay for the month you know? Why can't you see my efforts? Being able to celebrate your birthday, on the actual day somemore I'm very happy.

Xmas was coming in a few months time. i started to save a few hundred dollars every month starting from Sept. Save money so that we could go pan together and i can buy presents for you. I bought an most expensive present i ever bought in my entire life.
I know buying presents won't make you love me. What i want you to see is my efforts being put in. But you did not see that. I bought that watch for you with my own money. You told your mum you found the watch outside. Do you know how sad i am? Why can't you even tell your mum that's a gift from a -- friend. But yet you say, you found this watch outside. My money, my effort that i took leaves specially to search for a nice watch for you. But you said you found it. I seriously.. don't know how to react back.

But during my birthday you did not even prepare anything for me at all. And when you arrived at the interchange, i asked why are you so late. I got scolded by you - on my birthday.
Shouldn't i deserve to be treated better? Atleast on my birthday?

During Countdown 2011, i wanted to countdown with you so much!! But you tell me you don't want. You want to sleep.
Okay, fine.

This is not - you.
You are not that Raymond i know.
That Raymond,
He would wait for me hrs at Far East.
He would accompany me to shopping.
He will text me when it's raining and asked me to be careful
He will get angry if i didn't take my meals regularly
He will buy my favorite puccho
He will wait for me to online
He will accompany me for dinner, even though he has eaten.
He will let me hug his hand on bus.
He will not hurt me

Where have you been???????

I didn't text you for 5 days. And i didn't receive your text for 5 days also.
Is it, these 5 days doesn't make any different to you??
With or without my text its still the same. Maybe without my messages you will feel better, cause you got no time to reply me.

You went to KL without telling me, I'm not ok with it.
Why can't you just even inform me at all? When i pop this question at you.
You reply me: ' I really don't understand, i go overseas must tell all my friends not to sms me? Tell my customer i not in sg, don't call me? Tell my colleague i not in sg don't find me? "
So what does your this sentence means? you are saying that ME and your colleagues and your customers and your friends at the same priority?
WHAT AM I TO YOU ?
Do you know how anxious and worried i got when i couldn't reach you. Do you know how sad i am when i wake up and see that there's no text from you saying that you will be going KL.
I asked why!! why you didn't inform me. You told me you FORGET. That's the WORST excuses to use.
How could you forget things like that? Will you forget to shit?
YOU SIMPLY DON'T HAVE THE HEART TO DO SO LA. WHY TELL ME YOU FORGET?
you told me you forget, because you're not used to reporting your actions to people.
Why do you call it reporting??? I didn't ask you to report where you go what you eat everyday to me.
But things like that, you go overseas and something happens and i do not know
Even though if i know i can't do anything. But could you let me feel better?

you know? I'm very stupid. I will believe whatever you say. I really believe that you forget. Yes. Till now i still do !!

Can I ask you to open up your heart and feel?
There's this girl here. She's really trying her very best. putting in 100% of effort in.
But you asked yourself, have you been treated her fairly? What is her to you?
Why do you have to always make empty promises to her. Why are you always hurting her with your words. You know whatever you say to her, she will just take it in. And the next time you meet her, she'll be smiling at you again.
Didn't she gave you everything unconditionally ?
She's very simple you know. She doesn't need someone 180cm to give her that sense of security she's lack of.
I know I'm not perfect, I have my flaws. But I'm trying my best.

Everybody is saying that you are just treating me like a toy you know?
But I'm defending you. Because i know you better then the rest of the people.
But why are you showing me that what they are saying is correct?
It's been like that for more then a year already. I'm swallowing everything in that maybe one day I might explode you know?

How must i make you be able to understand how i feel?
I don't know what to do now, I feel very lost :( Where are you?

After saying all these, my heart hurts even more :(

I should have run away,
I shouldn't have looked at you in the first place
Without a word you gave me love
Without a word your love abandons me

xoxo,
you know you love me

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